relationships and facial palsy.

I don’t know about other people, but nearly all of the relationships in my life have changed because of my facial palsy. How I am with my family, my friends and my boyfriend, every single one has been impacted in both good and bad ways.

I’ve realised that it’s all to do with how I feel about my physical appearance and emotional trauma. I think it’s a normal part of life that relationships evolve as you get older, but dealing with facial palsy on top of that has almost heightened this awareness for me and made me acknowledge how my approach to people has now changed.

For instance, my relationship with my boyfriend has been impacted the most. I mentioned in one of my earlier posts that it was just the two of us going through the toughest months at the start of all of this, where he took care of me every single day and made sure I had everything I needed in order to recover as best I could.

This whole experience has caused Jak to become my rock. I would go to him about literally anything in my life after seeing how much he cared for me since I became sick. I remember the night it happened. I was crying on the phone to my mum when I was home from the hospital. We ordered pizza and he could see me struggling to pull it apart with one hand whilst holding my phone with the other, and without even hesitating he was doing it for me. It’s the silliest, smallest thing to remember, but at that point it meant so much, it showed me that this person was serious about helping me through this without even thinking about it, no matter how big or small.

I have so much admiration and respect for how he’s handled all of this. It can’t have been easy to physically take care of me, deal with my depressive moments and trauma, keep the house going, work full time, look after our bunnies and still have time for himself, but he did it so well and without ever complaining or getting himself down, he even managed to train for a half marathon! Jak’s naturally a very positive, optimistic person, but he also knows when to listen, when to be that shoulder and just hold me when I need to cry.

It’s hard sometimes because I can feel so guilty about what happened. This isn’t the face or the person he fell in love with anymore, and I know it’s not my fault but I think he deserves the world, and on my bad days when I feel bad about myself this does creep to mind, because I think this man has to now look at my crooked smile, or eat dinner in a restaurant with a woman who shuts her eyes just so she can chew.

But every day he tells me how beautiful I am and how I always have been, he even said to me the night I started writing this post that to him I’m still the exact same person to him, in myself and how I look. I know love is much deeper than what’s on the outside, so I know I have to silence that negative voice in my mind when it pops up, it’s complete nonsense and he wouldn’t have cared for me or stayed with me if he didn’t truly want to.

I do also feel bad for all the times I get frustrated or upset and end up taking it out on him, as he’s the only person physically close enough to me that I can vent this anger out to. I recognised this when I started doing therapy, and even though I still find myself having occasional outbursts they are much less frequent, and I check myself whenever they happen. I think that’s the key is that these sorts of moments are bound to happen, but you have to acknowledge them and know when you’re taking it out on others.

Overall the mans a trooper, I honestly don’t know how he’s done it. It’s fair to say that going through all of this just the two of us had brought us even closer. We probably would’ve got to this level in our relationship eventually but facial palsy just sped it up immensely. I mean how could he not be my rock after everything that we’ve gone through?!

I’ve also noticed that many of my friendships have evolved this past year. When you’re sick you really do learn who your true friends are. They’re the ones that text you occasionally just to check in, send you flowers, brownies, care boxes and cards when you’re going through those horrendous first painful months. They even just sit with you on the phone talking about literally anything as they know you need to take your mind off your pain.

I’ve noticed that I’ve made much more of an effort to see these friends, organise dinner dates, dog walks and countryside outings, boozy lunches and nights watching love island with takeaways. I hold these people so close to my heart, my circle seems to have gotten smaller yet bigger at the same time. Instead of putting time and effort into people that haven’t been there during the tough moments, it’s given me the chance to direct it to the people that are. Not only has it enriched the friendships that already existed in my life, but it has also opened the door to so many new ones.

Back in March I started talking to a girl I met on Instagram who has gone through the same thing as I have. Her name is Simona and she is one of the strongest, most amazing people I have ever met. We got to meet in person a few months back and that day we could not stop talking, it almost feels like we’ve known each other for years. We shared our experiences with facial palsy which was the first time I got to talk to someone about it without having to explain what it was like, it was the biggest feeling of relief. We now make the effort to see each other every month for catch ups and bougie dinners, to celebrate life and the fact that a new friendship has come from something so difficult, and I’m forever grateful for the fact that we’re now in each other's lives.

And that also goes for all the new connections I’ve made from meeting others who have or are going through the same thing. I get so much from the conversations where we share advice or words of encouragement, to let each other know that we are never alone in this world, which is a feeling that is very common with facial palsy or any sort of physical or mental illness. I wish I could meet all of them in person, to give them a big hug and take a moment to really be there for one another after everything we’ve gone through, maybe one day I’ll get to meet a few of them, but that is one of the greatest things that has come from me writing this blog and sharing my experience.

My relationship with my family has also been impacted by what has happened. I feel like at the end of the day when I’ve tried to be so positive and optimistic about my healing or moving forward, that they are the people that truly see how I’m really feeling. It’s been so hard for all of us as the pandemic kept us apart for the majority of my sickness, it was so difficult to go through something like this without the physical presence of my family who would be able to throw their arms around me when I was in pain, to make me a cup of tea or bring a food shop over when I couldn’t leave the house.

But through all of this we’ve spoken almost everyday over the phone and FaceTime, they have managed to comfort me in my darkest times even through a phone screen, and that has shown me how strong our bond is even though physically we’re hundreds of miles apart. We’ve travelled to see each other as much as we’ve been able to, and it’s definitely made me appreciate our time together so much more.

I look back at my life when I was 18 when I lived at home and had a fully functioning face, and I wish I could tell that younger version of me to smile every single minute of the day whilst you can, and hold onto your parents and your sister so much more, because being so far now and going through the toughest thing I’ve to in my life to date is something I never thought I’d have to do, making me more and more grateful for our time together when we get it.

Something that I’ve also noticed especially after starting therapy is that I am becoming a much more patient, considerate person. I now know what it’s like to go through life battling an inner pain, and I think this has caused me to treat people I don’t even know with a lot more kindness. I stop in the street to talk to people I’ve never met before, smile at people as I walk past and don’t get so wound up by the people who stand on the wrong side of the escalators at a tube station. Facial palsy has reminded me that everyone is dealing with something no one else can see, so I’m trying to treat others with a bit more understanding and care.

Something that I've been reminding myself of is the wise wise words of Beyonce, and that the greatest relationship you will ever have in this life is with yourself. I tell this to myself every time I’m hard on my reflection, when I tell myself I’m not doing enough or I don’t have time to take care of myself. I spoke about this in my previous post, facing the emotional pain, that I’ve started talking to a therapist who is helping me to realise the person I am growing into, and a large part of this is me listening to myself, taking care of my mind and what I need. Accepting the down days and celebrating all of my achievements.

Physical changes to your face makes you lose a sense of identity, and at one point I was starting to not know who I was as a person. So I’m working on improving that relationship by giving myself what I need and deserve, the time and care when I need it and the things I want when I want them.

I can’t be a better friend, daughter, sister or partner until I really work on the relationship with myself that I am continuing to develop and get back. Part of me is so excited to see what she can offer the people she cares about when it’s improved! I was asked the other week in my therapy session if I was happy, and I realised I am becoming a much happier, more content person, even more happy than how I was before I became sick. I am on my way to being a new version of me which I can be so proud of, and I know that the relationships and choices I have made at this stage are playing a massive role in who I am now becoming.