facing the emotional pain.

The past few weeks have been some of the biggest for me since my misdiagnosis earlier in January this year, and that's because I've really had to face the emotional trauma that has come with the last 14 months of having facial palsy.

Part of me still isn't ready to fully divulge on this aspect of it, but going through this without the words of someone else in my position has been an extremely lonely experience, and it would be so wrong of me if I didn't talk about it, to be those helpful words for someone else. The whole point of me creating this blog was to be as candid and open about life with facial palsy as I possibly can be, and I think that for a lot of people our emotional trauma is one of the biggest things we deal with on a daily basis, not just being unable to eat without food falling out of our mouths and wearing eye patches.

Up until now I have managed my physical recovery along with trying to make long term changes in my life in order to feel more positive and happy. For a time all the exercise, healthy eating and mindfulness sessions worked, but I have also felt some of the lowest points of my life where I've come crashing back down, full of anxiety, battling with depression and PTSD. I thought these were moments that I had to ride out, knowing that at some point I may be able to pull myself out of feeling like I'm sat in this dark hole, looking up at the sky and feeling as though I'm being weighed into the ground.

But these moments started coming along more often and for longer periods of time. The anxiety of being sick and permanently tight and immobile would creep up with no warning, leaving me with feelings of dread, exhausting worry and pain. It wasn't until I sat in my neurologist's office ready for my next dose of botox that I knew I needed more help than what I was giving myself, I completely broke down to her about how I was really feeling, even 14 months on, and I knew needed to do more about it.

the first thing we did was start me on antidepressants.

Dr Marion could tell that I needed that additional help to really get me over the next hurdle of recovery. She told me that I seem to be more of a high anxiety worrier which I could not agree more with, and that I had depressive periods of time but not necessarily depression itself, as I was still feeling passionate about things going on in my life. She went on to tell me that anxiety and depression are so common for people dealing with facial paralysis and I can completely understand why. I don't know about other people, but I feel like a much different person now. I struggled a lot with my identity and still do most of the time, I didn't recognise myself in the mirror for months. My ability to show emotion had stopped, I had to relearn how to talk, eat, drink and even whistle. I remember just crying, staring at my reflection where one side was so emotional, whilst the other did absolutely nothing. It was infuriating. I'd push myself to cry harder to try and get something to move, but STILL nothing. In my eyes I was never going to be the same woman, unable to smile from ear to ear with my exceptionally large teeth, or pull the weirdest faces to make my boyfriend laugh. It's still really difficult for me to look at photos of myself before this happened, it still fills me with a lot of sadness over the feelings I have of loss and grief. Feeling like you've lost some of the things that make you who you are does something to you that you just can't put into words.

Over the past four weeks I have been on Sertraline, half a tablet every morning for the first week and then full one after that. If I'm being totally honest it has put me on my ARSE. I've felt as though I'm living my life in a goldfish bowl, feeling drowsy, dizzy, unable to focus on anything at all. Most of the time I've just sat there staring out of a window as it's been easier to simply exist than try to do anything else. But I looked it up and it's completely normal to feel like this whilst the tablets kick in, I've got to give my body time to adjust to this chemical change going on to see if they are really going to help, and I've already noticed myself feeling much more like myself, laughing and enjoying moments more, and having less and less depressive days.

I'm just now coming out of feeling the side effects, and I'm glad I took it easier during this time so that I could let my body rest and adjust. It wouldn't have been healthy for me to try and push myself past what I was capable of doing at that time, and I'm glad I listened to what I needed, once you've been ill you start to listen to your body a lot more!

If I'm being really REALLY honest, I hadn't started these sooner because I thought I could change my mental health on my own. But Dr Marion could see that I had tried so many things to improve my mental wellbeing, but for what I had gone through it wasn't going to be enough to get me back to the bubbly, full of life person I once was. When she told me that a small dose each day for a few months would be beneficial to my day to day life I knew I had to give it a go, I wanted to live without all those feelings of anxiety and worry, and learn to enjoy my day rather than sitting with that voice in my head saying I would never be or look the same again.

So far I have definitely noticed that those anxious moments are MUCH less often, I am already living with a much more present mindset, I'm finding enjoyment in the smallest things rather than missing out on them. Even the other day I ran around my living room with my house bunnies, rattling a bag of hay and singing along to music... it sounds bizarre but I would have never done that before. And I'm not nagging Mr Jak Melvin anymore about silly little things around the house, instead I'm enjoying our time together curled up on the sofa or cooking dinner, reminding myself that these are the small but super important moments that I am so grateful for.

not only that, but I have also started talking to a therapist.

Now anyone who knows me knows I can talk, but this is a whole other experience for me. I had tried group CBT therapy a few months back, where beforehand I had said that the one thing I didn't want to do was sit and read a powerpoint for an hour, and what did we end up doing? Just that.

This time I got in contact with a company who have given me the most wonderful woman to speak to, we have a phone call every week and I can say now that I really look forward to our sessions. The feeling of being able to voice all your worries, concerns and frustrations to another person with no judgement is incredible, she helps me to acknowledge all the good I am doing during my recovery, not only for myself but for others, and how strong a person has to be in order to deal with something traumatic like this. She reminds me to continue to look after myself, to show myself the same love and compassion that I would give to others, and know that I am much more than what happened to me. We talk about everything, not just facial palsy. It turns out a lot of aspects and events in your life can affect how you deal with your own healing, things that I hadn't even considered!

We also talk about how being sick has altered a lot of things for me, now I am learning to value my time a lot more, I'm not just spending it on people who don't really deserve it. I'm making new choices, choices which are important for me to grow and feel like I am in charge of some things, but also know that there are things that I simply cannot control. I can't control what happened to me, but I can control how I let it affect my life, I choose to do my physiotherapy everyday and get botox, I also choose to do positive things with it in the hope I can make other people's experiences less lonely and painful. I've chosen to not let it shut me off from the world and people that I love and live each day feeling self conscious and anxious about what people might think. She said after my latest session that this past year seems to have been the biggest learning experience for me, and I definitely feel that. At the moment I feel uncomfortable and out of my depth, but I know that with time, that will amount to a crazy amount of growth. I am growing to love myself again and for who I am now, grow to accept my face in all it's wonky glory, and grow to enjoy my life without the anxiety and pain consuming me. If facial palsy has taught me anything it's that healing definitely does not happen overnight. These are still early days and I need to give everything the best chance I can in order to get better. I'm so happy I finally acknowledged that my mental health had really taken a beating, and that I'm giving it the attention and care that it needs to heal. One day I want to be able to look in a mirror and see me, not what happened to me, and I think that will come with a much more open, loving and peaceful mindset.

I do know that I can never stop the anxiety rearing it's ugly head and reminding me of past traumas, but I can learn to deal with it. I can learn to make those moments smaller and not let them take over a whole day or week of my life. What I would say to anyone feeling similar is that it doesn't hurt to seek out some advice on more substantial help. I feel like there has been a stigma around taking antidepressants and speaking to a therapist in the past, but these can be the most beneficial practices to your own recovery and growth. Personally I wish I had started both much sooner, there is no need to struggle through something like this alone when you're dealing with so much emotional pain.

I'm proud of myself for accepting that vegetables and yoga weren't quite enough for me and my experience. They sure do help and keep me healthy and strong, but for what's going on in my little brain I needed to do more for myself. I've learnt that they are acts of self love, I listened to the fact that it wasn't going away on it's own, I couldn't just ignore it and think I was okay, I needed to really address my mental trauma and face my pain. It's daunting and uncomfortable, but I know this will all benefit me in the long term, and I'll be that bubbly loud woman I was before, I have FINALLY started real healing.